A Musing Woman

Yeah, so being a woman alone is tough.

But you know what, just being a woman is tough!
'Cuz there all these other women around in the world, all the time, who make you feel like really inadequate
ALL
THE
FUCKING
TIME.

Most of them aren't even real women.
Like Jessica Rabbit!

OK.
Do you even know who Jessica Rabbit is?
God, I'm old.
Ok, Google it already. I'll wait.

Fuck it, I can't wait.
Here she is:

Ok, now you know who she is. She's hot, right?!

The fact is, no woman could ever be as hot as Jessica Rabbit.
She defies every rule of physics and gravity.
Which makes sense, you know, cuz she's a fucking cartoon.
And yet, she sets a standard that women should really be trying to achieve.
Regardless of biology or any of that shit.
But how is a human woman supposed to compete with that?!
But you know what, it doesn't matter.
'Cuz now we have Photoshop.
As long as we never go out in public ever again, we'll all look awesome.
Thanks to Photoshop.




But then, there's fashion.
Fashion can be such a dirty word. When you say it with a cringe.
Fa-a-a-ashion.

Fashion is made for women who are not shaped like women.
Like, the ideal woman should be shaped like a hanger.
She should have no actual body.
And if she has a body, (which is really annoying to fashion designers), her body should like be able morph to fit the clothes.

And what I also find disturbing, are the photos of models in fashion magazines and catalogs and stuff.
They always have their mouths open.
Like half open, like they're in mid sentence.
Like during the photo shoot, the model was saying something like:
"Oh, Tom, I need to go to the bathroo-"
CLICK!

You know, and that's the picture that ends up in the magazine.

I think someone thinks this is supposed to be sexy.



Women with their mouths half open.
Maybe it's like this 'I don't give a shit' look.
I hate that look.
"I don't give a shit, but it took me three hours to look like I don't give a shit.
And closing my mouth takes too much energy from my not giving a shit. 
So when the drool starts coming out, it's ok, 'cuz it's all part of my look.
'Cuz I don't give a shit."

So yeah, being a woman is tough.

I have a tattoo. Just got it two weeks ago, its my first.
And I'm already working on my second, third and fourth tattoos.
Yeah, they're addictive.

But I am so glad I waited till I was 38.
I've wanted one since I was 17, when I was actually in a tattoo parlor, but was horribly misinformed about what a tattoo exactly entailed.
I was like: "Gimme a tattoo, man."
And then I went: "Wha - it doesn't come off? You mean, it'll be there like forever? 
Hm."
Then I was like:" You mean you do it with NEEDLES?
Isn't that supposed to hurt?
Oh.
And, whats that now? It costs more than 10 bucks?
But ten bucks is all I have.
Really?"

Yeah, it was fucking expensive.
I went in there with like ten bucks.
You know what you can get for ten bucks?
You can get a dot for that.
I'd be like: "Check out my boss tattoo."
And the person I'd be showing it to would be like:
Where?
I'd point adamantly: "There!"
Where?!
I'd point adamantly some more: "THERE goddammit!"
Oh. I thought that was a malignant freckle.
I'd have to say: "Well no, it's not a malignant freckle. 
It's a tattoo, it cost me ten bucks, and it fucking hurt.

So again, I am glad I waited.
'Cuz when I was 17, and I was in that tattoo parlor, I thought I knew what I wanted.
It makes me cringe to think about it.
You see, I was a (cringe) Trekkie at the time (cringe), and I wanted the Klingon insignia like just above my vagina (cringe).
I  really did.
I wanted to like send a nonverbal message to potential lovers, I think.
I imagined, with my Klingon insignia tattoo, I'd be making out with some guy, and slowly getting undressed and all that, and then the guy would suddenly and unknowingly be exposed to this threatening Klingon symbol which totally would say:
(in Warf's voice): THOSE WITH NO HONOR MAY NOT ENTER HERE.
And
"Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam"
(Which means, of course, "Today is a good day to die" in casual conversational Klingon.)

So then I thought, maybe that tattoo might have the reverse effect on guys.
Like the guy might be confronted with his own lack of honor, and it might be a bummer, and we might stop kissing, and you know what, I didn't think it was worth it anymore.
Plus it cost way more than ten bucks.
So I didn't do that.
I waited. Which was the right thing to do.

But I love tattoos.
And I really love them when they're spelled correctly.

You'd think people would check that kind of thing out like BEFORE they let someone engrave it into their skin for all eternity.
Have you seen that one on that guy's arm, that says: NO REGERTS?
No regerts.
Man, that's pretty ironic.
You'd think the auto-correct would've caught it.
Like when the guy app-ed his friends to tell them:
"Dudes, I'm getting an awesome tattoo that's gonna say: NO REGERTS"
The auto correct would've caught that!
His friends, probably, would not have.
So he really had to rely on the auto-correct.
And still, it says "NO REGERTS".


Actually, I think there should be like a mandatory spell-check guy, at every tattoo parlor.
Like a nerdy guy in a sweater vest, sitting there in the corner, with his Webster's dictionary like all ready to go.
It should be the law!
You'd hear the machine go on - zzzzzzzzzzz
And the Spell-Check guy would be like: "One moment please! I don't remember spell-checking that!"
And the tat artist would go: "I'm sure it's OK."
And the Spell-Check guy is like: "I really think you should run it by me. That's why I'm here."
And the tat artist would grumble: "I'm pretty sure it's spelled M-O-M."
And all the Spell-Check guy does is raise an eyebrow and say: "Let's just double check, shall we."
And all the tat artist can do is put down his machine and wait.
'Cuz it would be the law!

And the Spell-Check guy would never get beaten up.
No matter how snooty he is, because he and the tat artist are forced into this symbiotic relationship.
Because it's better for society in the long run!
We can't have all this poor grammar tattooed on people!
Kids see this!

But maybe it's like a new-skool thing.
Could the word 'regerts' be some new awesome urban term I'm unaware of?
Like maybe young people use this word all the time?
Young Person 1: "Hey man, I really regert not goin to the dance last night cuz there were lotsa hot chicks there. I totally regert that."
Young Person 2: "Yeah, Dude. I really regert wearing flipflops to that job interview."

It's possible... I am almost 40 after all.
No longer a young person, officially.

What I am, is a real grammar nerd.
I love grammar.
Or actually, I hate it.
Because it rules my life.

It's like, I'll be talking to someone, and they'll be saying stuff to me, and it's like the words they're saying aren't even spelled correctly.
I can tell.
And it's hard because I live in Holland.
The actual Holland.
(Not some place in Michigan.)
And lots of people speak English here.
But, lots of people really SHOULDN'T speak English.
Especially to a native speaker.
Most times, I'll be speaking Dutch - which I do. I speak Dutch.
When I fucking feel like it.

So I'll be speaking Dutch, and the person I'm talking to will find out I'm American.
And then they get all weird on me.

Like either they'll get all haughty on me, and be like: "Oh I totally KNEW you weren't really Dutch! I could totally tell!"
Which is ok with me, because I'm sure my accent is like this bizarre potpourri of dialects from all the places I've lived in Holland.
But they don't have to get all uppity about it.
Then, suddenly I'm placed in this demeaning 'import' category, like I've been pretending to be Dutch or something.
And the person is ON to me now.
I think: "Damn! I'm busted! They KNOW!"

Speaking the indigenous language of a particular country is called ASSIMILATING, people.
And most foreigners are bitched out for NOT doing it!
Here I am, making an effort, and I still get bitched out!
Honestly.
But what really bothers me, are the people who switch over to English when they find out I am American, when there was nothing wrong with our conversation in Dutch.

Why? Why do they do that?

What was a perfectly normal and intelligent conversation about culture or politics or whatever has now turned into this one-sided monologue.

The other person is using all the English words they know, totally incomprehensibly, in this really loud voice.



And, hey that's great, they can swear in English too.
Awesome.

So yeah, grammar is important to me.
Spelling. Pronunciation. Sentence structure.
All that.
So that's essentially why I deleted my Facebook account.

But people are funny, 'cuz now the thing is, bad grammar isn't about grammar anymore.
No.
Bad grammar is a 'dialect' now.
So now everybody can use that as an excuse for not giving a flying fuck about grammar.

Person With Bad Grammar: "Yeah, I don need tuh now how to spel er eniething uhbout grammmmer cuz wut I'm typin is like how I talk!"
Well that's just awesome.
That just makes it all okay.

Sometimes I muse about what the leaders of the world will be like in 100 years.
Future President of the World: "So lisn everbuddy. I'm like the prezdent now, soooo, lez all do stuff."
Oh man, I hope I'm not around then.

But my kids will be.
Hah! Good luck, kiddos.