Which is kind of the definition of not being young and cool anymore.
What being a Mom is, is being tired.
Not cool.
You can't be cool and tired at the same time.
Unless you're doing the 'I don't give a shit' look, which only LOOKS tired.
It's not really like sleep-deprived tired.
So there's really no room for being cool when you're a mom.
Unless being asleep is cool, but I can't even do that.
But that's ok, because I consider myself unofficially cool.
Which essentially means no one knows I'm cool except me.
Even my kids think I'm not cool.
Which is a shame, because they're too little to understand I GREW them in my BELLY.
They were a PARASITE for 9 months.
I MADE them.
From SCRATCH.
Not that you necessarily need like book smarts to do that.
But still.
I think it's pretty cool to be able to make people.
But anyway, I'm still uncool to them.
Like whenever I do something human, like forget something or drop one of them on their head or something human, like an honest mistake, they go:
Mom is stupid!
And then I try to defend myself!
Me: "I'm not stupid, young lady. I totally know a lot of stuff."
Now she's mocking me!
My own daughter!
And then my son chimes in!
Other Kid: Yeah, Mommy is stuuu-pid!
And then, they start making up a song about it!
Kid and Other Kid: Mom is stupid, stupidy stupid. She's so stupid, she's the stupidest in the whole world!
And I'm thinking,
How long do I allow this to go on?
A minute ago, I was getting a little annoyed, but now, they're writing music.
And I promised myself I would never thwart their artistic freedom.
So I'm really confused now.
It's a dilemma.
So, finally I decide I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm gonna own it.
I say: "Yes, I'm stupid. Your mom is stupid."
And inside, I'm secretly like gloating.
Because I bet that stupidity is hereditary.
And they have no idea.
They're chanting about how stupid I am, which means they are genetically also stupid.
And then I think: Oh god. My children are stupid.
Fuck.
Wait.
That means I can totally spend their college funds on tattoos.
Who's stupid now?!
No parent wants to admit this. But it's true.
The kids rule.
But you can get back at them. And I'm lucky, mine are still little.
I grew up with two older brothers, and I find that now, I can play the tricks they played on me, on my own kids.
Which gives me a really good feeling.
It's like, passing on the legacy.
The legacy of fucking with their little minds!
It's awesome!
I can go: "Oh my GOD look, there's a big huge purple spider right behind you!"
And they'll be going: "WHERE?!"
And I'll see this expression of utter horror in their little faces!
They totally believed me!
Ha haaaa!
But it doesn't work all the time.
They don't always believe me.
Like when I say: "It's bedtime."
Then they're like: "No it's not."
And I'm like: "Um. Yes it IS. It's bedtime."
But they go: "No way Mom. It's still light out."
So I have to explain daylight savings time again to these kids.
Me: "Well for the umpteenth time, kids, time is adjusted to achieve longer evening daylight in summer by setting the clocks an hour ahead of the standard time.
You're not listening, are you?"
Kids only listen and/or compliment you when it's about candy and/or presents.
Which is why Christmas and their birthday is the perfect time to blackmail them.
Just FYI.
Blackmailing Mom: "Clean your room, and I'll talk to Santa about that i-Pad."
Kids: "Okay Mom! You're the best!"
Aaw. Maybe they do love me.
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